Image by moominsean via Flickr
I think tonight my heart actually broke. I can’t describe it any other way.
I’ve been telling you all along, full of conviction: we can never be lovers.
Tonight, I now realise for the first time, I truly believed it. Something made me realise it is actually true. And I became aware that I have been paying lip-service to the idea all along. I’ve been entertaining notions of success. Tonight I saw with perfect clarity: it’s not ever going to happen.
I suppose the realisation is analogous to hearing that a loved one has died. I sat here and cried like a baby. I’m about ready to go off again just thinking about typing that admission. I’m feeling washed-out, literally. Sluiced, hosed, laved. Gotta say: it can’t have helped that I was listening to Emmylou Harris at the time.
So that’s it. The dream is over, and not even stubborn naive delusion can bring it back. Now all I have to do is figure out what to do about still being in love with you. I wonder what Emmylou has to say about that.
