Image by *brilho-de-conta via Flickr
Last night she embraced another man. Yes, I know continentals do that, but this was a little too enthusiastic on his part, at least.
And so I awoke at 5 am, jealousy gnawing at my insides, unable to fall asleep again. Some things never change.
There’s nothing to it, but a jealous man doesn’t care about that. She thinks I’m a saint and a superhero, but the darkness is lurking. There’s a worm in the centre of the apple.
Last night, in a dream, you kissed me. I was aiming for the cheek, and you turned your head. As always, the torrent of emotion made me wake up. It’s too bad that all these things can only happen in my dreams, Roy Orbison sings.
On the outside, I appear to be making progress. I no longer bitch and whine, “Oh, I have to see you, you must see me, I miss you, come on waaah waaah” and so on.
But inside, the longing for you is as strong as ever it was. And in the night, it overflows.
Image by ___federico___ via Flickr
One day I’m going to wake up and find that it was all a dream. That does seem the most likely explanation.
But will I be panting, sweat-soaked, relieved to escape the nightmare? Or will I shed tears in the darkness, grasping at a dream that can never be recaptured?
Which of those two endings sounds the better?
Image by moominsean via Flickr
I think tonight my heart actually broke. I can’t describe it any other way.
I’ve been telling you all along, full of conviction: we can never be lovers.
Tonight, I now realise for the first time, I truly believed it. Something made me realise it is actually true. And I became aware that I have been paying lip-service to the idea all along. I’ve been entertaining notions of success. Tonight I saw with perfect clarity: it’s not ever going to happen.
I suppose the realisation is analogous to hearing that a loved one has died. I sat here and cried like a baby. I’m about ready to go off again just thinking about typing that admission. I’m feeling washed-out, literally. Sluiced, hosed, laved. Gotta say: it can’t have helped that I was listening to Emmylou Harris at the time.
So that’s it. The dream is over, and not even stubborn naive delusion can bring it back. Now all I have to do is figure out what to do about still being in love with you. I wonder what Emmylou has to say about that.
Every time I have to let you go,
I know there's no God;
Or if there is, he's capricious, and laughs at me.
Dude, I know I did some bad stuff.
But haven't I paid for it by now?
Not quite, not just yet, comes the reply.
Patience, says the voice.
Just one more eternity,
And then you're off the hook.
Have a little faith.
Ay Waukin, O
Robert Burns
1.
Summer's a pleasant time:
Flowers of every colour,
The water runs owre the heugh,
And I long for my true lover.
Chorus
Ay waukin , O,
Waukin still and weary:
Sleep I can get nane
For thinking on my dearie.
2.
When I sleep I dream,
When I wauk I'm eerie,
Sleep I can get nane
For thinking on my dearie.
Chorus
3.
Lanely night comes on,
A' the lave are sleepin,
I think on my bonnie lad,
And I bleer my een wi' greetin.
Chorus
Ay = always, ever
Waukin = waking, awake
Heugh = hollow
Nane = none
Lanely = lonely
Lave = the others
Bleer = blur
Greetin = weeping
Melancholy is knowing the pain that love brings, and doing it anyway.
Willie Nelson is the world’s foremost troubador of falling in love again, despite what it did to you last time, and the time before.
In Back to Earth, he achieves a little bit of insight. He realises that he’s been here before, only last time he was the disappointment, and his Beloved was the victim.
The song is addressed to an old love, who’s been through with him what he’s going through now. It’s nice to think she’s still there for him to confess to, although she may just as easily not be. Which of us hasn’t addressed our thoughts on love to someone who is no longer listening?
The words are by Willie, but since I’m not a great fan of Willie’s singing, I’ve chosen to include a video of the song as sung by my old friend Eddi Reader. First the words:
Back to Earth
I guess my heart
Just settled back to Earth
I rode a dream so wild and free
For all that dream was worth
But true love
Can be a blessing and a curse
I guess my heart
Just settled back to Earth
And now I know just how
You felt so long ago
When the dream for you had ended
And you let me know
So I rode from sky to sky
Tryin' to keep the dream alive
But everything
I did just made it worse
I guess my heart
Just settled back to Earth
Love created songs
That I still sing
Love we knew
Still makes the rafters ring
Tonight I'll sing
For everything I'm worth
For all the hearts
That settle back to Earth
Love created songs
That I still sing
Love we knew
Still makes the rafters ring
Tonight I'll sing
For everything I'm worth
For all the hearts
That settle back to Earth
Our song will never have
A final verse
Our hearts just finally
Settled back to Earth
That line:
Our love will never have a final verse
is the essence of melancholy: sorrow plus resignation.
Here’s Eddi Reader singing it, (no embedding, sadly) and if anyone thinks a lassie frae Glasgow can’t sing country, check this out. Country was our folk music. It speaks to white trash everywhere, whatever the continent.
And we fall in love too.
